Today was a bad day, but it didn’t start off that way. It was a normal Wednesday. I woke up at 6am had a shower, got lunches ready, put the  library bag in  Noahs school bag, made breakfast for the kids, made the beds, tidied the house and was ready by 7:30 to walk to the train and head into the city for my 8am lecture. I put on my scarf and backpack and went to kiss my kids goodbye. Thats when I saw a look on my husbands face that made me feel sick inside. You see my husband is the most chilled out, easy going, care-free person you’ll ever meet. Nothing phases him. NOTHING. He’s the most amazing dad, husband, son, friend and overall a really beautiful and decent human being. He’s so passionate and determined in his work and that is so inspiring to me because nothing gets him down. No matter what the challenges his eye is always on the horizon, ‘the bigger picture’. Except he has this one weakness. He doesn’t want to disappoint people. He doesn’t want to disappoint me, the kids, his mum, mates, his business partners and associates, which makes him a ‘yes’ man. Because he’s a yes man that means he keeps telling people that he can do what they ask of him when realistically he cant because he’s human, not a machine. So last night we sat on the couch, I watched him as he watched his space documentary but he wasn’t his usual zombified self even as Neil Armstrong stepped foot into space for the first time. I asked him what was wrong. He said what do you mean? And from there a conversation began about everything that was going through his head, work and life stuff and he just looked so overwhelmed.

I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and my husband has always been my rock. We’re kind of a bit yin and yan and its great because when I feel like sh*& for whatever reason he brings me back to earth in a subtle, warm and fuzzy kind of way and everything is fine again. Last night I couldn’t do that for him. I listened to him and we talked but inside my stomach was in knots and I started to shallow breathe because thats how I respond to stress. Then those feelings of guilt, inadequacy and negative self talk (in my head) began about what a bad wife I am because my husband was suffering and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help. I too am overwhelmed and I won’t go into the details of this, at least not today.

So this morning, after a not so great nights sleep because of kids bed-hopping, restlessness, hot, cold, and all that noise in my head I woke up and just went about the usual Wednesday morning routine. Up until I saw him again and he looked exhausted too and still had that look on his face. I put my bag down and told him not to worry about helping me with the kids this morning. Im going to stay home today and do drop-offs pick ups and whatever else needed to be done. ‘Just do what you need to do’ I said to him. At first he was resistant and said he was ok. I knew he wasn’t. So off I went and So did he.

On the way back home I stopped at our local to grab my coffee. I asked our barista how his morning was, and god bless him because he’s truly is the best, but he started going off on some philosophical rant that I didn’t fully understand because he quietly mumbles behind his noisy Genovese espresso-making machine thingy and a few random words just triggered something and I become a blubbering mess. I felt so embarrassed and like a complete looney so I tapped my card, wished him a good day and couldn’t get to my car fast enough to just let go and let the waterworks begin.

So an hour and a half later, Im sitting in my car, in my driveway, engine still running and don’t know why I feel this way. Well  I do… but I don’t.. You know what I mean? So I start scrolling through my instafeed and apparently today is #worldmentalhealthday, which with all due respect,  I swear is every other week. So then I start crying some more because Im reading all these posts that really resonate. So what do I do? I think to myself, Ill dial a friend, except Ive been so caught up in this mayhem  of a life for so long that I didn’t know who to call and then I started blubbering some more, and thought ill call my mum, except Ive been a lousy daughter so didn’t want to bother her with this because #alltheguilt. So Im typing away madly because all these emotions are hurting my head and I just need an output. So Im going to jump to a conclusion here because this post that I may or may not post is dragging on with no real point...

I just told you about my morning because this was my only outlet today. Mental health affects everyone. YES thats right EVERYONE! Sadness, depression, anxiety, whatever it is that makes you feel in a not-so-pleasant way, whatever you want to call it, everyone at some point in time has experienced it and everyone will most likely experience it again. That’s just life. Being aware of it is how you learn to deal with it. When I have my bad days, I cry. A lot.  And then I release. Whether that means telling someone, writing about it or just sitting with my thoughts for a while and just letting them be. Because whatever it is, this too shall pass. You’re not alone and it’s going to be ok. OK? x